The Jessica Journals:

3rd Week of October 2004: Objectiveness At Its Finest

This week I watched a great motion picture masterpiece entitled The Student Prince. I am now forced to demand that all of my future suitors have horrible singing voices because I don’t want to run the risk of my life suddenly turning into a mediocre musical (or even a good musical). Of course, solutions are rarely simple and this one certainly has one very deep and obvious flaw....It may free me from one haunting potential outcome, but it opens up the very real and very terrifying prospect that my rusty-throated beau will feel compelled to overcome his inadequacies by lip-syncing, and that, my friends, is the first step onto a very steep and very slippery slope. He may start out soulfully mouthing the soaring notes of a reincarnated Enrico Caruso, but the very next moment he’ll be pulling an Ashlee Simpson on me. And, if there’s one thing I absolutely don’t want to see it’s my lovely Mal Vox cavorting on stage in street urchin pants and a belly-baring shirt.

But, enough of such unpleasantries for the Jessica Journals are devoted to far greater and more important things than mentioning long-dead tenors nobody remembers and making obscure U2 puns.

As I am sure all of my very intelligent and well-informed readers are aware, the Presidential election is fast approaching. I think it safe to say that the election of 2004 is, to date, the most important election of the century. Several weeks ago, I wrote a blog entry in which I heaped scorn upon a certain Senator from Massachusetts who is not Ted Kennedy whilst also expressing a high level of admiration for our beloved President. When I posted that entry onto my Xanga page I received scathing criticism and absolutely no eprops (!!!) from someone who went by the nom de guerre “Billy_The_Cat”.

Now, to make amends to Mr. Cat and to prove that I am more objective than Dan Rather, I feel it is my duty to inform you of the top ten reasons why you should vote for John Forbes Kerry.

10. Kerry is affectionate.

Having to campaign among the proletariat is too much.  Hold me. The puppy is so cute it almost distracts you from the big ugly dog right next to it He manages to be both lover and cute puppy at the same time

9. Kerry has a refined sense of humor.

Fart jokes are fun! Fart jokes are fun!! Fart jokes are fun!!!

8. Kerry is a consummate sportsman.

Augh!  Those pasty legs!  My eyes! Well, ya see, sir I understand you're lookin' for sparrin' partners for George, and I jus' want ta let ya know that I am very available. Where is David Beckham when you need him? No comment.  This blogger is too busy rolling around on the floor in a fit of hysterical laughter.

7. Kerry has a big gun.

But does he know how to use it? Considering I've already made pR0n jokes in my last couple journal entries I'll just remain silent here

6. Kerry has a big head.

But does it make him smart?

5. Kerry has a nice tan.

I'd make a joke about Robert Kilroy Silk here, but since none of my readers know who Britain's favorite tv presenter-turned-politician is I won't say anything

4. Kerry is absolutely not a Communist.

I love Stalin! I love Mao! I love Castro! I love me!

3. Kerry’s running-mate is hot.

And everything c-cup boobs say *has* to be true And he has a sense of humor too, as evidenced by the pointed finger

2. Kerry’s running-mate has a big...fist.

Erm...no comment

1. If you don’t vote for Kerry his running-mate will crush your head.

I'm crushing your head. I'm crushing your head. Crush. Crush.


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Copyright 2004 Jessica Menn