The Jessica Journals:

3rd Week of December 2004: Two Movies, One Holiday, Eternal Agony

As we all know, Christmas is a time of joy, thanks, family, and presents, but this year it was even more than that. This year it was a time of unspeakable pain and agony, for this year my brother Paul and I decided to spend our Christmas afternoon first watching Queen of the Damned then following it up with Fahrenheit 9-11.

To call these two movies appalling would be an understatement of criminal proportions.

Damned is right There are, I think, two ways a member of the entertainment industry can know they have hit rock bottom. One of them is to be forced to digitally remove Jonathan Frakes back hair....the other is to win the part of Aragorn in The Lord of the Rings only to subsequently lose it and then go on to play the lead in Queen of the Damned.

The movie in question is yet another piece of Anne Rice-inspired shlock that for some inexplicable reason actually made it to the big screen. As far as plot goes, I think my brother explained it best when he farted.

A movie with Michael Moore in it is a horror movie if ever there was one Fahrenheit 9-11, on the other hand, was the must-see movie of 2004, provided one excludes The Passion, Harry Potter 3, and Spiderman 2. At any rate, it made more money than Garfield: the Movie which means it must be good.

I must admit, I found the movie quite boring, overall. I think the plot went vaguely along the lines of Republican President + massive terrorist attack + oil x W’s lust for money squared = HALLIBURTON. I, however, was more struck by (1) how hott Dubya looks in a flight suit and (2) the disturbing similarity between Jim McDermott and George Soros. Although I lack the technological capabilities necessary to capture a DVD image (which would show you just how frighteningly similar the two are), I have attempted to give you some sort of pictorial representation.

Don't fire until you see the whites of their eyes

When our Session of Pain was finally over and I was able to look back with a clearer mind upon the movies my brother and I had just subjected ourselves to, I was surprised to see that there were some substantial similarities between the two films despite the fact that one was a laughable example of gothic shlock and the other a putrid piece of political propaganda.

1. Both movies had incredibly poorly done voice-overs.

Queen of the Damned was slightly better if only because Stuart Townsend’s accent was fake. Michael Moore, however, used his real voice in the Fahrenheit 9-11 narration.

2. Both gave vague hints of a plot to come but never delivered.

The Queen of the Damned writers could benefit from a class on the Three Act Structure, but, there’s no hope for a movie in which a weaselly-voiced man, in effect, speaks “I hate George Bush” into a microphone over and over for two hours.

3. Both movies were too reminiscent of Spider-Man 2 for my taste.

Stuart Townsend looked as bored as Tobey Maguire, while Michael Moore sounded as bored. If I wanted to see that kind of performance I’d have watched Frodo in The Lord of the Rings.

4. Both featured vampires.

In Queen of the Damned he was presented as a pasty-faced, under-weight Stuart Townsend feeding off the blood of over-sexed female groupies. In Fahrenheit 9-11 he appeared as a greasy, unkempt, fat guy feeding off the emotions of the distraught female relatives of those killed on 9-11 and in the Iraq war.

Travolta's codpiece made the movie 5. Both would have benefited from an appearance by a dreadlock-sporting, platformed-moon-boot-wearing John Travolta.

You can’t tell me Battlefield Earth wasn’t better than Queen of the Damned or Fahrenheit 9-11. And, if Travolta brought a feral Barry Pepper with him it would be even better.

At any rate, I did get to watch George W. stride around in a flight suit and act like the cocky cowboy he is. As for Queen of the Damned, there had to have been some pluses, but right now I can’t think of any.

Mission: Accomplished!  Movies: Mocked!


Copyright 2004 Jessica Menn