The Jessica Journals:

February 11, 2005: The Fifth Grade Syndicate

I believe I have finally found the reason for the derth of comments currently being endured by the Jessica Journals. Apparently, for some unknown reason, the fifth graders of Appleton Christian School are all trying to flock to my site only to be cruelly denied by the parental controls on the school computers. This to me seems surpremely unfair, particularly given that the Drudge Report is (I know for a fact) readily available on the school computers and, with it, references to mud-wrestling, puppet sex, and chastity panties. Are my gay jokes, gay jokes, and gay jokes so much more offensive than gay jokes that I am now banned from the computers of Appleton Christian School? I should hope not, as that would make ACS almost as laughably hypocritical as Bill O’Reilly.

Although I would love to ruthlessly excoriate Appleton Christian School for hypocrisy and general prudishness, my sources on the inside inform me that the reason for my banishment is the result of an altogether separate issue. Apparently, I am a subversive influence on the suasible scamps of ACS, and the Powers That Be are afraid to let them read my critiques of the modern day educational establishment.

What brass! What cheek! The overwhelming effrontery of it is nearly more than I can bear. ‘Tis true that I have spoken less than kindly of established modes of education, but that in no way means that I am against education per se. Who was it, after all, who educated you on the finer points of metrosexuality? Who explained why John Kerry was pathetic or informed you of the reasons for Creed's suckiness? Who watched innumerable Alfred Hitchock movies and told you which ones were worth watching? Who informed you of the similarities between Queen of the Damned and Fahrenheit 9-11? Who examined Matt Dart or provided you with reasons to vote for John Kerry? It was I, I, I!

I have bled for you, suffered for you, and poured my soul out for you, and what have I received in return? Banishment from the ACS computers! I would call upon the fifth graders of ACS to unite, but since they can’t access my site such a call would be worthless....which, frankly, makes me rather sad. It would thrill me to no end if there existed a posse of fifth graders excitedly huddling around a computer, breathlessly reading my latest journal entries. No doubt, they would eventually form themselves into a official clique. I can picture the t-shirts even as I type. The front would no doubt have “The Jessica Journals” nicely embroidered on the right breast, and on the back, in all it’s shining glory would appear the emblem of the Jessiclub:

Maybe I *can* understand why the school wouldn't want their kids to view my site

The beauty of it almost brings a tear to my eye, but, alas, it will never be because because I’ve been banned from dopey Appleton Christian School. But I swear on John Travolta’s moonboots that I will not go silently into the night, and that one day, somehow, be it ever so long from now I will have my revenge!

Attention: "Family Circus" copyrighted Bill Keane


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Copyright 2005 Jessica Menn