The Jessica Journals:

February 14, 2005: The Passion of Rebekah

Today is Valentine’s Day and who do you imagine is appearing on Hannity and Colmes tonight? You guessed it, none other than the ever adorable Matt Drudge. My one regret is that I don’t have cable television so I won’t be able actually to watch him, but if I did it would have been the perfect ending this--the most romantic of days.

If the voices in my head really compelled me, I could possibly skulk on over to the Arby’s across town which for some inexplicable reason is always playing the Fox News Network on its t.v., but I feel that would be a tad too stalkeresque. Beyond that, it might cause panic in another female member of this household who is rapidly becoming a Drudge lover.

I don't know what makes her think he has a bulbous nose Yes, I speak of my younger sister Rebekah. Now, I realize that she claims up and down that she doesn’t luv Drudge and is quick to decry his crooked chin, “bulbous” nose, and receding hairline. However after careful observation over the last three month I have reached the conclusion that her protestations of disinterest are but a feeble attempt to hide the burning passion she actually feels.

I am, as you may well guess, loath to conclude this because I would prefer to keep my beloved news provider all to my little self. However, for the sake of my intellectual integrity I cannot ignore something which is so obvious, and for the reasons listed below I am reluctantly compelled to conclude that Rebekah does indeed carry a flame for Matt Drudge.

When I'm in the CIA I'm going to leak all my classified documents to him

  1. In the days leading up to Thanksgiving, we were sitting in the living room listening to some classical music and I suddenly stated, “I like this song,” to which Rebekah quickly replied, “Because it reminds you of Matt Drudge?”

    I prefer to think that a person who leaps from Mozart to Matt Drudge with nary an atom betwix the twain, does so because she loves Drudge and not because (a) she’s crazy or (b) she’s crazy.

  2. I recently cooked curry chicken for my family and, whilst frying up the bird, I was overpowered by the heat in the kitchen and (being the delicate creature I am) nearly fainted. Later, after I had recovered, I told Rebekah what happened and she immediately demanded to know what Matt Drudge would have done if he had been there.

    Of course the answer to her question is one of the following: (a) he’d dash over to Taco Bell for some $.39 tacos when no curry was forthcoming, (b) he’d hop on the computer and whip out the screaming siren, or (c) he’d revive me with some Red Bull.

    No matter what he would do, the fact that Rebekah even asked the question shows that she thinks of me as a rival and is worried that I will somehow use my conniving wiles to steal her cyber studmuffin away from her.

  3. Only last week we watched a movie together. Not too far into it, we both reached for the popcorn at the same time and our hands touched each other, at which point Rebekah asked, “What if I had been Matt Drudge?”

    I like to think that if she had been Matt Drudge we wouldn’t have been watching Powder, but, be that as it may, I think her statement proves beyond a shadow of a doubt the true depths of her delusions. My greatest fear now is that if she doesn’t win Drudge’s heart she will go crazy and kill him then attempt to make his life her own, the reasoning being if she can’t have him then she can at least be him.

The result of all of this is that I am placed in a very awkward position. I love my sister and I don’t want to hurt her...but I also love Matt Drudge and don’t want to give up my childish obsession with him. If I do give him up then I’ll be miserable, but if I don’t give him up my sister will be miserable and possibly homicidal. My life becomes more soap opera-esque by the day, so much so that I feel it’s time to whip out the bad poetry.

FREAK!!! REPORTER'S LIFE TURNS INTO BAD SOAP OPERA...DEVELOPING...

FLASH-ity X-ity
Jessica longingly
Pines for the man in the
Hat made of straw

But Matthew her beautiful
Spouse of the future now
Sits in the sights of his
Sister-in-law

If that doesn’t sum up the situation I don’t know what does.


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Copyright 2005 Jessica Menn