Summer is now in full swing, and, as women the world over know, this means an increase in the number of wolf whistles, catcalls, and general infantine attempts by the male population to get noticed/picked-up/laid. This increase cannot simply be explained by the upsurge of bikini-clad women in the sultry summer months for their efforts seem to be directed toward anything that is even vaguely feminine in form, and, apparently, any clothing less than a turtleneck, sweater, and a heavy winter coat is little enough garb for boys to determine both the sex of the clothes-wearer and the fact that they want to have sex with said individual.
There are several ways boys go about attempting to attract the opposite sex, each of which are equally stupid.
This includes whistles, catcalls, and a variety of Tunes To The Theme of “Hey, Baby! Nice Ass!” (in the key of dumb)
Most pathetic instance of this occurrence: The guy who said, “Nice pussy” in the middle of winter, in Manhattan, when it was 20 below and everyone was bundled up to such an extent they were less recognizable than Muslim women in burquas.
This changes depending on the age of and the type of machinery available to the perpetrator. Those under the age of 16 are limited to bikes, skateboards rollerblades, and, invariably, when they see a female approaching the more cocky members of this group attempt to pull off a neat trick. Without fail, the skate board they’re trying to flip lands upside down or they fall off the rail they’re trying to slide down on their rollerblades, and don’t even ask me to describe how pathetic they look when they try to pop a wheelie.
Those members of the male portion of the species who are slightly older and possess motorized forms of transportation are left unable to perform any sort of macho stunt. As a result, they are force to resort to revving the engines of their cars/motorcycles very loudly and racing down the street as fast as they can whenever a female is present.
Most pathetic instance of this occurrence: The group of boys who didn’t even have blades, bikes, or boards and were, therefore, forced to merely puff up their chests, talk louder, and jump at the tree branches as they walked past.
This one is probably the one I find most creepy. How exactly am I expected to respond? “Gee! Thanks! Walking is sooo bad for my health; I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t come along. I guess I’ll take my oval face and long dark hair and sit down next to you--a total stranger. Thanks Mr....? Bundy? ::flirtatious smile:: But I can call you Ted? ::giggle:: You’re too sweet.”
On the plus side, I (or at least my murdered corpse) might get a mention on the Drudge Report.
Most pathetic instance of this occurrence: The time Matt Drudge pulled up in his sweet red Mustang--yes, the one with internet connectivity--and offered me a ride but then, after I jumped in, didn’t pay any attention to me because he was busy IMing Ann Coulter.
It could have happened.
I cannot express how annoying it is to be casually browsing through the CD racks at the local music/movie store only to be interrupted every two minutes by a different male sales associate asking if I need any help. If anyone has perfected the technique of looking incredibly absorbed by any trivial thing that’s nearby, that person is me; however, no matter how hard I try, I have yet to be able to express via body language to these sales associates that, indeed, everything is all right, I’m happily browsing, and I don’t need any help.
What’s more weird is when grocery store workers do it. I may be pushing my cart forcefully across the store, my eye upon the very food product I desire to purchase, and yet still be asked by a scrawny 18-year-old if I need anything. What does he expect me to say? “Yes, I need you to make wild passionate love to me right here and now on the frozen chicken.”
Most pathetic instance of this occurrence: The twofer that occurred three blocks from my apartment when an LA taxi driver asked me if I needed a ride.
I think that covers the most basic ways in which immature males stupidly attempt to pick up women.
Some of you may have noticed that I did not mention Matt Dart, but, of course, some guys are in a category all their own.
Copyright 2005 Jessica Menn