The Jessica Journals:

June 26, 2006: Confessions Of A Racist

Vampires are one of the most pathetic and annoying species on the face of the earth. This is a statement that ought not need saying, but, sadly, in this day and age its verbalization is most necessary if only for the fact that a large portion of the population does not realize its inherent truth.

Why, you may ask, are vampires the most pathetic and annoying species on the face of the earth?

Lo! Let me count the ways!

  1. Vampires are rigidly conformist and, therefore, hopelessly old fashioned.

    Now I realize this may be difficult for vampires to fathom, but there are forms of residence beyond castles and gothic mansions. There are styles of music beyond Nine Inch Nails and Korn. There are types of garb beyond black leather and flowing shirts. Which brings me to my next point....

  2. Vampires have terrible fashion sense.

    I am curious...is there even one vampire who has recognized that skin-tight leather and vinyl cause uncomfortable chaffing and motion constriction? That bustiers become very tacky when worn 24/7? That black eyeliner looks good on only a very few men--likewise, long hair? And that black nail polish is so mid-90s?

    The only thing worse than vampires' clothing style is when they choose to wear nothing at all. The emaciated form of an individual suffering from anorexia or manorexia is, in a word, unappealing.

  3. Vampires are consumed by their basest instincts.

    I realize this might be difficult for even some of the humans in my audience to realize, but there is more to life than revenge and illicit coitus.

    Despite, their disgustingly wasted forms, vampires never seem to lack sexual partners. Apparently, even after five hundred years of wild oat sowing, the idea of settling down, adopting a couple kids, and having a stable home life has not occured to even a single, solitary creature of the night. And if they must spend their time killing people, why not spend it killing the right people--Hitler, Stalin, Fabio, and other scourges of humanity.

  4. Vampires don't know how to drink blood in a polite manner.

    Just once I would like to see a vampire suck somebody's jugular and not smear the blood all over their face and let it dribble down their chin. It's called a straw--use it!

  5. Their pathos long ago degenerated into bathos.

    Feeling overpowering rage, depression, and isolation following your recent transformation from human to vampire is understandable. Feeling overpowering rage, depression, and isolation six hundred years after your transformation from human to vampire is overwrought.

I think those are the main reasons why vampires are pathetic. However, that I may not end this journal entry on a complete down-note, I am grudgingly forced to admit that, for all their faults, vampires are a step up from vampyres, and for that I commend them.


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Copyright 2006 Jessica Menn