Courageous Commander Burns and the LilliputianAfreet

Courageous Commander Burns dashed heroically, albeit madly, through an immense cavern in what he preferred to call a "reverse attack". He skidded to a halt in front of a reflective surface and checked just to make sure he had not lost his staggering good looks during his inverted charge. After all, the simple facts that he had been transported into a parallel universe in which magic reigned supreme, that he accidentally killed the Emperor of the Universe (the difference between a bottle of diet RC and poison is so miniscule CCB could hardly be faulted for mixing the two up) which started a war for universal dominance, and that he was being chased by giants of Lilliputian size, who were intent upon offering him up to the evil, demonic, monstrous afreet whom they worshipped and who was even more Lilliputian in size than they were, were not enough to keep Courageous Commander Burns from looking his dashing best.

He had attempted to escape the horrendous Lilliputian giants by dressing up in the clothes of a woman. The fact that the make-up was smeared and the dress was torn really got in the way of the heroically handsome look he desired.

Having gotten that minute's indulgence of his vanity out of the way he continued running dashingly and heroically (and fearfully and panickingly) away from the giants.

But, oh, for Courageous Commander Burns, for he knew not that he was playing right into the very hand of his giant Lilliputian pursuers, for they were not chasing him so that they might catch him and bring him to the evil, demonic, monstrous afreet which they served, indeed, no! They were chasing him directly to the evil, demonic, monstrous afreet. But, oh, for Courageous Commander Burns, for he knew that not.

CCB heroically retreated into the dark recesses of the vast cave until he was almost run over by Sylvester Stallone who was running in the opposite direction.

"Sly!" the courageous commander cried in surprise, "What are you doing?"

"Attacking backwards!" the dog-faced, beefcake actor called over his shoulder right before he slipped and fell down a huge hole in the ground to his death below.

Now, had Courageous Commander Burns been an intelligent, thinking commander he would have pondered upon what Rambo had just told him. Had Courageous Commander Burns been the pondering type he would have noticed that, before his untimely demise, John Spartan had been doing exactly the same thing that he himself had been doing, namely, assaulting backwards. But Courageous Commander Burns was not a thinking, pondering, wondering, reflecting, speculating, surmising, hypothesizing individual; therefore, he continued running the way he had been and in fact did not stop even long enough to notice that Rocky had fallen into a hole in the ground and killed himself.

Courageous Commander Burns suddenly ran out into a brightly lit cavern which was monstrous in size. He skidded to a halt and looked in terror upon that which towered over him, for it was the evil, demonic, monstrous afreet. The monster was dressed in a grey suit, had gray hair and a big nose, bit his lower lip, and said, "I feel your pain."

Courageous Commander Burns did the only thing one could do when confronted with a fifty foot tall William Jefferson Clinton. He screamed--long and loud.

(Now you, O Blessed Reader, might be wondering why the evil, demonic, monstrous afreet was fifty feet tall when it was specifically stated earlier in the story that he was evenmore Lilliputian in size than his giant Lilliputian followers; therefore, I will state right here and now that you have no right to judge me; what's right for you may not be right for me, so shut up and mind your own business; itís wrong to be intolerant.)

Bill stretched the long arm of government out to grab Courageous Commander Burns. Closer and closer it came, and louder and louder CCB screamed.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" The courageous commander shrieked."NOOOOOOOOOO!"

***

Courageous Commander Burns awoke in a pool of sweat. He would have to get a bucket to bale it all out he realized as he surveyed the foot of sweat which sloshed upon his floor. He gave a sigh and banished all thoughts of the dream from his mind, which was not hard considering the size of his brain. He always had nightmares when it was tax time.


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Copyright 1999 Jessica Menn